


Forever in our Dreams

by dcrksun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Memories, Sad Ending, Wakes & Funerals, Will probably make you cry, just lots of angst okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:29:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23580874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dcrksun/pseuds/dcrksun
Summary: In which Mark Lee dies and the rest of the dreamies reminisce about their favourite memories.Aka the one in which Donghyuck loses the love of his life and the rest of the dreamies lose a brother.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Park Jisung
Comments: 78
Kudos: 210





	Forever in our Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. Writing this fic has been such a journey. It was emotional and long and hard but I came out with something I actually Really Love and I hope you will too <3  
> Biggest thank you to @baridalive aka the best beta who not only puts up with my horrendous punctuation use and reassures me that words like quell actually exist, but hypes me up like no one else.  
> I would recommend maybe getting some tissues judging by Lil's reaction aksjsjjss and if you want some extra pain, put some sad music on for reading!  
> Without further ado.... enjoy :D

Death. Is it an ending or just a new beginning? Does the soul ascend to some form of better place? Or is that a lie we tell ourselves because anything is better than believing that they're just  _ gone _ ? In that moment, the questions that have plagued theologians and philosophers, and most of humanity for most of its existence seem so unimportant and inconsequential to Donghyuck. What does it matter where Mark is if he can never be in Donghyuck's arms again either way? What does it matter about hell and heaven if Donghyuck's life has become a living hell, the realisation of his worst nightmares regardless? 

A realisation of his worst nightmares. That’s no metaphor. Donghyuck has dreamt countless times after Mark's diagnosis about him dying. A phone call. Mark's hands going slack in his own. The voice of a doctor declaring his time of death. The life altering sound of the heart monitor. Every possible version has played out in his head and it always ends with Donghyuck as a sobbing mess. 

_ It was approximately four weeks before Mark's death, a little over a week past the five month mark the doctors had given when Donghyuck had asked how long Mark had left to live. Of course, he had always known that Mark was a fighter and that he wouldn't give up so easily but Donghyuck could also see how much he was struggling and he couldn't help but feel like Mark was still here on borrowed time.  _

_ Mark had been in hospital for two months now and Donghyuck had stayed all of those nights there with him. The hospital bed was small and sleeping on it together wasn't exactly comfortable but the warmth of Mark's body against his, getting to kiss him goodnight and opening his eyes to see the love of his life made it all worthwhile. He'd spend the rest of his days on that hospital bed if it made Mark feel any happier during what were supposed to be his last days.  _

_ That day, he rushed to the hospital as soon as he was done with his last class. He would've missed class too but Mark insisted that he went. "You don't know how long I'll be on this hospital bed. You can't put your life on hold because of me," he had said. And of course, Donghyuck could've tried arguing or lying, but neither were things he could really do, not with Mark. So he went, even if he only ever paid attention to the ticking of the clock, counting down to the moment he could be by Mark's side again. He was out the door as soon as the bell rang - even though he had spent most of his school career hating anyone and everyone who packed up whilst the professor was still speaking - and he did all his homework at the hospital, insisting on that as much as Mark had insisted on his college attendance.  _

_ The afternoon had passed relatively the same. Yuta, one of Mark's friends from social sciences class, had rushed after him, asking whether he thought Mark was in good enough shape for him to visit. Donghyuck was tempted to say no, just so he could enjoy every last minute with Mark alone, but he quickly caught himself, internally scolding himself for even having such a selfish thought. He knew Mark would be happy to see Yuta and the smile on his face when he saw the boy walk in alongside Donghyuck made him really glad that he ended up saying yes. _

_ After Yuta left, Johnny — Mark's doctor who insisted on the first name basis after the third time he found Donghyuck fighting back tears in the hallway — came in to check Mark's vitals and chat for a few minutes, but he had other patients to go to and soon enough Donghyuck got the much longed for alone time.  _

_ Alone time. That word had come to mean something so different for the two of them and yet, as much as it had lost its sexual connotations, it somehow only became more intimate. They may not have been filled with fiery kisses and battling tongues anymore. but every single peck on the lips was full of passion and something else new that Donghyuck couldn't quite describe.  _

_ "I love you. You know that, right?" Donghyuck's voice broke the gentle peace of the room that was filled only by the sound of the silly Netflix drama they were watching and the hum of their breaths. Of course, Mark knew that Donghyuck knew he loved him already. Still, Donghyuck felt this overwhelming and incessant need to tell him over and over again. He didn't ever want to feel like he hadn't said it enough.  _

_ "And I love you," was Mark's response. He always said 'and I love you', never 'I love you too.' He had explained it to Donghyuck once, saying that when he said 'too', it felt more like a response than a genuine proclamation of love. He said that with how much he loved him, even 'I love you' wasn't enough, let alone just reciprocating Donghyuck's love. Donghyuck had swooned at his explanation like some high school loser and honestly, the words still had the same effect on him three years into their relationship.  _

_ They didn't speak anymore then, they didn't need to. They just continued to watch the show, though Donghyuck was paying way more attention to Mark's breathing and heartbeat and the heat of his body next to him than he was to its happenings.  _

_ Donghyuck didn't know when exactly he fell asleep but soon enough, his eyes were fluttering closed and he was drifting off to sleep. In his dream, he was still lying on the hospital bed, his gaze still on the laptop that was sitting on Mark's slightly lifted knees. Perhaps that's exactly why the dream felt so realistic; nothing had changed. The perfect of the moment, however, was interrupted by a change in the noise of the heart monitor. Its incessant beeping had become a rather annoying part of the background track of Donghyuck's life but it was also a constant reminder that Mark was still here and his heart was beating. When the beeping became one long shrill note, Donghyuck felt as if it had been his own heart that stopped. He never sat up so quickly, not caring as the laptop toppled to the floor, undoubtedly shattering to pieces as it hit the hard linoleum. All he cared about was Mark and the fact that apparently his heart was not beating and holy shit, he wasn't breathing and where were the doctors because Donghyuck had no clue what to do. "No, no, no," he kept repeating, breathless as he shook Mark's body beside his own. "Mark, you have to wake up. Come on, Mark. Please, somebody, help, please." He could barely form words over the sobs that were fighting their way out of his mouth and raking his body. He had to stay calm. He had to save Mark. He couldn't just let him die. _

_ When he woke up, shooting into a sitting position, his eyes wide open and tears dampening his cheeks, he was still mumbling the word 'no' over and over again, like he was in a trance. The trance was interrupted by a gentle hand on his shoulder and a soft voice. "Hyuckie? What's wrong baby?"  _

_ Mark. It was Mark's voice. God, Donghyuck felt so relieved in that moment that he wasn't sure whether he wanted to cry or laugh. He did both as he practically crushed his boyfriend in a hug. Mark was here and everything was okay. _

_ "I'm okay. Everything is okay now," he mumbled, his voice muffled by the remnants of sobs and Mark's shoulder. When he pulled back, Mark looked pretty confused.  _

_ "So, erm, want to tell me what just happened?" he asked with a light chuckle.  _

_ Honestly, Donghyuck didn't want to tell Mark what just happened. He didn't want to tell Mark that he just had a dream where he died. He didn't want to tell Mark anything that would make Mark think about dying. As much as he acted brave about all this and still smiled and laughed, Donghyuck knew that his boyfriend was scared. And he was meant to be here as a comfort, to make him feel better and to make him think of anything other than him impending death. Yet, here he was, a sobbing-laughing mess with no explanation for his cathartic behaviour other than that dream. _

_ He could've lied. Or deflected. But then he looked up, into Mark's beckoning, curious, honest eyes and he couldn't do either. He knew Mark would be able to tell and that he'd hate Donghyuck sugarcoating or hiding anything for his sake.  _

_ "I had a dream where you died," he said softly. "It scared me." _

_ Mark didn't say anything for what felt like forever. Afterall, what could he possibly say to counteract the fact that he was dying? Based on the look on his face, it didn't take a genius to figure out that Mark felt guilty that one day soon, Donghyuck would really be going through that. Alone. That's what scared Donghyuck too: not the dream but the fact that it could become tomorrow's reality. Still, the last thing he wanted was for Mark to feel guilty about his own death. _

_ "I guess it's true what they say, isn't it? Death isn't bad for the people who die, it's bad for the people left behind," Mark mutters. "I'm sorry, Hyuckie. I'm sorry for leaving y—" _

_ Donghyuck presses his finger against Mark's lips to cut him off. "Don't you dare say that. You made me feel happier in these three years than most people ever are. There is nothing in this world I'm more grateful for than knowing you, okay?"  _

_ Mark had tears in his eyes as he leaned forward. "Then let me make you feel happy again," he mumbled, practically into Donghyuck's own mouth. With that, Mark pressed his lips against his and kissed him. _

_ Their kiss had a newfound intensity that Donghyuck couldn't quite recognise. He inhaled Mark like he was a gulp of fresh air after having been underwater for too long; he held onto him like a shipwreck survivor would onto a piece of wood that was the last thing left giving him a chance at life. Lee Donghyuck kissed Mark Lee like his life depended on it and he knew that Mark felt the exact same.  _

_ He tasted salt on their lips, unsure if the tears were Mark's or his own, and whether they were tears of grief or joy. But it didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was here on this hospital bed, kissing Mark, their bodies intertwined. And that he could hear the goddamn incessant beeping of the heart monitor.  _

Donghyuck can't help but wish for this to just be a nightmare too. He wants to wake up and have Mark wrap him in a hug and tell him it would all be okay. As he walks up to the podium to give his eulogy at Mark's funeral, though, it's all too clear that this isn't a dream and that nothing will be okay again for a long,  _ long _ time to come. 

Mark's funeral. Donghyuck has never been to a funeral before so he only really knows what the movies have told him. He knows there would be white flowers and sad music and people wearing black. He knows that there would be tears and lots of hand holding paired with kind but meaningless words like 'I'm so sorry' and 'accept my deepest condolences.' He doesn’t, however, expect the unimaginable pain that he would be feeling. Pain that would blur all the pretty flowers and apologetic smiles, pain that would dull the soft choral music and the sympathetic words, pain that would numb every feeling and sensation in his body until it’s all he has. 

He's standing at the podium now, his eyes strictly on the sheet of paper in front of him. He knows that if he looks down, even for a second, and sees the faces of Mark's parents and the boys he called his brothers, he won't be able to keep it together. Right now, he can't lose it. Mark had asked him to speak at the funeral and he has to do it right. He has to make him proud.

_ "Kind of cruel to have a mirror in a hospital room," Mark pointed out and Donghyuck looked up from his homework, a confused expression making it clear that he didn't quite understand where Mark's comment came from.  _

_ "Hmm?" he asked as he stood up, walking up behind his boyfriend and wrapping his arms around his middle to pull him closer.  _

_ "I'm losing all my beauty because of this stupid cancer," Mark chuckled as he inspected his own reflection in the mirror that was hung on the wall of his hospital room.  _

_ "Don't say that," Donghyuck frowns, following Mark's gaze towards their own reflections. "You're not." _

_ "Well, you are either blind or being far too kind," Mark chuckles again. "I look like death." _

_ "Well, if death looks like you, then he's in hella good shape for being 4.5 billion years old. And I want to meet him." _

_ "Smartass," Mark half groans, half laughs, his eyes clearly still lingering on his reflection. It was at this point that Donghyuck realised that the easy chuckle and joking tone hid a real fear. Not about Mark losing his beauty, as he phrased it, but about parts of him slipping away and each of them pulling him towards death. _

_ Now, it was Donghyuck's turn to inspect Mark in the mirror. He was thinner than ever, his hard earned muscles replaced by nothing but skin and bone. His skin that usually glowed golden was now white and pale, almost transparent. His eyes held dark circles under them but they still shone with an unmissable brightness. Perhaps someone else would describe Mark as a shadow of his old self but to Donghyuck, he was still beautiful.  _

_ With hands on Mark's hips, Donghyuck whirled him around so he was facing away from the mirror and towards him. It was meant to be smooth and effortless but instead it sent the other boy stumbling towards Donghyuck, making both of them laugh.  _

_ "You're beautiful," he said after a moment, meeting Mark's eyes with undeniable sincerity. "God, Mark, you're perfect. You're like art that people write thousands of words describing. I could talk about you forever and I still couldn't find the words to describe how kind and beautiful and smart and amazing you are." _

_ Mark's ensuing smile lights up his entire face, perfectly proving Donghyuck's point. He was beautiful. _

_ "Then write my eulogy," he asks after a moment.  _

_ It takes Donghyuck back a tad and he wants to argue that Mark won't die or at least that he shouldn't be worrying about things like his funeral yet. He was twenty-one, after all, and he shouldn't really have been worrying about anything other than graduating and spending too much on chicken noodle soup. Unfortunately, this was his life now and if it gave him peace to know Donghyuck would be writing his eulogy… well, Donghyuck couldn't argue.  _

_ "It'll be the best eulogy ever," he grins, trying to cover the sadness in his eyes. _

_ "I know," Mark replies, pressing his lips to his and sealing the promise. _

"I promised Mark that this would be the best eulogy ever," Donghyuck starts, "but to be completely honest, I've been staring at this sheet of paper for hours and hours on end and yet here I am, standing on this podium, and it's still just a blank piece of paper." As he speaks, he waves the sheet of paper in the air, earning a soft chuckle from the audience. 

"I once told Mark that I could keep talking about him forever and I think that's exactly what my problem is. My mouth is full of  _ likes  _ and  _ ums  _ because simply, there are no words in any language that can articulate the kind of beauty that Mark held, inside and out. I can't compact his existence into the twenty-six letters of the alphabet and call it a description. I tried to write about my love for him and how good he was but every time I tried, I just ended up with pages and pages full of words followed by commas and more words and more commas, only to realise that there are some things in the world so infinite that they could never use a full stop.

"Alas, I can't just come up here and say that Mark is indescribable because quite frankly, that wouldn't live up to what I promised him," he says, chuckling softly at his own words despite feeling like all he wanted to do was cry. 

"Mark Lee was the sun. His touch or his gaze alone felt like beams of sunlight touching my skin. He lit up any room just by walking in it and he brightened everyone's life who knew him, including mine. He was a breath of fresh air in a world that so often made me feel like I wasn't good enough and like everything was going downhill. Being around him felt better than a gulp of oxygen to a drowning man." Donghyuck wipes a tear that’s rolled down his cheek. He feels like he’s drowning right now: in the tears he’s trying to keep inside, in the people around him, and in this inescapable sense of grief. Mark's death was a wave of pain that made Donghyuck feel like he’d spend the rest of his life struggling to stay above the water. 

"He was the feeling you get when a stranger smiles at you in the street, the one you get when you see an old best friend. The feeling of sitting around an open fire, making s'mores and sharing stories. The feeling of watching snow fall in December whilst drinking hot chocolate and eating Christmas cookies you made the night before, of opening a gift you've wanted for a long time or getting a good grade on that paper you worked your butt off for. Mark Lee was every single positive feeling in this world all combined into one person. He was a literal ray of sunlight in my, and no doubt, many of your lives."

Donghyuck has to stop for a moment, a hand covering his mouth to hold in the sobs that were begging to escape his lips. He raises his eyes to the sky as if looking to Mark for guidance, and takes a deep breath before continuing. 

"If you look around you for a moment and just listen, you can see the world moving on," he says softly, taking a moment both to recollect himself and to let people do what he just said. Sunlight pours through the stained glass windows of the church, painting its stone floors with a mosaic of rainbows that no doubt would've made this place and this day quite beautiful for an ordinary onlooker. The silence left behind by Donghyck's lack of words is filled with the chirping of birds and the gentle autumn breeze as it rustles the now golden and red leaves of the trees outside. "The sun is still shining, the wind is still blowing and the seasons are still changing. The world is moving on, no matter how much we want it all to stop until  _ we  _ are ready to move on, if that day ever even comes. It's hard to accept that the day Mark's life ended was the day so many other people's began, be it literally or figuratively. Births, proposals, promotions, weddings… the worst day of someone's life could very well be someone else's best.

"You're probably starting to wonder where exactly I'm going with this and honestly, I don't know. I just know that this is exactly the sort of thing Mark would describe as 'beautiful, in that poetic sort of way.' God, no wonder he was an English student," he chuckles and the sound echoes throughout the room as his friends and family laugh along. It feels weird to hear such a happy sound at a funeral but Donghyuck knows that if Mark is somehow looking down at this, he'd be happy to hear it. 

"I know for a fact that Mark would want us all to move on with our lives. That he'd think the best way of honouring his life would be to live ours to the fullest. He'd want us to spend as much time with our loved ones as we can, to laugh until our sides hurt and try those new recipes until we set off the smoke alarms at three in the morning. And I honestly, wholeheartedly wish that for all of you. Except maybe for the fire alarms part." The pause is filled with an awkward chuckle before he gets to the part he really wasn't planning on including but suddenly knew he had to say. 

"Mark Lee was the love of my life. I've known that for almost as long as I've known him and, maybe in the depths of my soul, even before that. It's why we started dating so soon after I met him and why we have — erm, had these." He lifts up his hand, pointing to the dainty silver ring that sat on his ring finger. A promise ring. Before he can stop himself, the day Mark gave it to him is already replaying in his mind. 

_ Maybe Donghyuck was a little biased given that it was the day Mark gave him a promise ring but June 24th, 2018 was truly one of the most beautiful days he had ever seen. The sky sparkled a brilliant blue with not a single cloud in sight and the sun seemed to beam brighter than ever. The fact that Donghyuck was woken by warm rays of sunlight licking his face and Mark's fingers caressing his cheeks instead of the brash, shrilling noise of his morning alarm already made for a brilliant start to his day. It only got better when Mark suggested that they make the most of the day by skipping class and going to the beach. It was the sort of idea Donghyuck usually had and Mark almost always protested so he was more than happy to go along with the plan, albeit a little surprised.  _

_ If Donghyuck had to use one word to describe that day, it would be perfect. They spent most of it sprawled across their picnic blanket, the secluded part of the beach filled with the sound of laughter that made their sides hurt and the noise of waves crashing against the sand, spraying them with a cool mist. Thanks to Mark bringing endless snacks, they only left when the sun began setting. They walked along the nearby pier, hand - and now a pack of warm donuts - in hand, admiring the beautiful view as they spoke about school and music and the future, their future.  _

_ Mark stopped at the end of the pier, placing their bag of donuts on the floor so he could take both of Donghyuck's hands in his. At first, Hyuck didn't think much of it but as soon as Mark met his eyes, he couldn't miss the nerves. He was about to ask if he was okay but Mark's finger gently pressing against his lips shut him up. _

_ "Today was the perfect day. The sun shined brightly, the ice cream was delicious, the ocean was beautiful, but most importantly, I got to spend it with you," Mark says, his voice uncharacteristically soft. "I can't promise you that tomorrow will be just as perfect, that it will be just as sunny and beautiful and that we'll be having a day this amazing. But I can promise you that I will always do my best to fill our days with your laughter. _

_ "So no, I can't promise you perfect and I can't promise that life will always be easy but there is a promise I would like to make. I can promise you my everlasting devotion, my loyalty, my respect and my unconditional love for a lifetime. I can promise that I'll always be here for you, to listen and to hold your hand, to be a shoulder to cry on and an arm to carry you. I can promise that I'll dream with you and build with you and live life to the fullest with you." _

_ Donghyuck never thought of himself as sentimental but his eyes were glinting with the sheen of tears by the time Mark got to this point in his speech. As he spoke, Hyuck felt luckier than ever. He was only twenty but he had found the love of his life, the man by whose side he wanted to spend the rest of his days. _

_ "I can promise that I'll willingly be your protector, your advisor, your counsellor, your friend, your family, your everything," Mark continues, his thumb gently brushing across Donghyuck's cheek. _

_ "Before I met you, I didn't believe in soulmates, or having one person who was the love of your life, or there was such a thing as meant to be. I never in a million years would’ve imagined how much my life would change because I asked that cute bio-med for coffee. God, you turned everything I believed about love completely upside down. You made me want forever." As Mark spoke, Donghyuck watched him pull a small silver band out of his pocket, gazing so deeply into Hyuck's eyes that he was convinced he could see into his soul. "Donghyuck Lee. You're my soulmate, the love of my life, my forever and always. So will you do me the honour of one day becoming my husband?" _

_ Donghyuck's breath caught, unable to contain his excitement as a smile spread across his lips. He knew this wasn't a proposal, but a promise of forever was the best thing he could imagine right now. They were both so young and they'd only been dating for a little under two years but in that moment, Donghyuck felt invincible, like no matter what life threw at them, they would get through it, just as long as they had each other.  _

_ "I love you so much," were the first words that left his mouth, his cheeks flushed and an untameable grin taking over his features. "I love you so much that I can't even find the words to describe it. You're my everything, Mark Lee, and I would like nothing more than forever by your side." _

_ Unlike Mark's perfectly crafted speech, Donghyuck's words were a mess. Honestly, he was a mess, but how could he not be, looking into the eyes of the man who would be his forever? Mark looked more than beautiful, the last rays of the dying sun painting his skin golden and making his eyes shine brighter than ever. He was perfect. Everything was perfect. With Mark Lee by his side, Donghyuck couldn't wait for forever to start. _

Forever. That's what Mark had promised, yet here Donghyuck was, only twenty-one, fighting back tears at the funeral of the love of his life. What happened to forever? To the plans they dreamed and the life they were supposed to build together? How could Donghyuck wake up everyday for the rest of his life knowing that his forever ended before it even got a chance to properly start? 

"Mark made me a promise of forever. I know that right now, it looks like that's a promise he can't keep, but in some ways, we already have forever. Mark Lee will always have a part of my heart, no matter what life brings my way, and it may not be as literal as he meant it to be, but I have no doubt that he will still always be my protector, my advisor, my counselor, my friend, my family, my everything." As he quotes the words Mark spoke on that perfect day, he can no longer hold back the tears that roll down his face. He has to bite down on the inside of his cheeks, swallowing down the heart wrenching sobs that are fighting to break free. 

"Well, you've definitely seen that I struggled with writing this eulogy, but there's one other speech that I found a lot easier to write. A speech that whilst I never imagined I'd be saying under these circumstances, all of a sudden feels inexplicably right to say. This one's for you Mark, wherever you are." With those words, he pulls out a small notebook from his pocket, one that looks like it's been thumbed through a billion times. As Donghyuck looks down at the words, written in his perfect cursive but now smudged by tears, he feels his heart breaking. 

"Apparently, Buddhists say that if you meet someone and they make your stomach flutter and your heart pound, they aren't the one. It's when you meet someone who makes you feel safe and calm, that you've found your soulmate. Well, I definitely can't say that you've never made my heart skip a beat - after all, I still don't know how I ended up with someone as perfect as you in every way," he chuckles softly but the sound is filled with grief. "I also know when I look into your eyes, the rest of the world disappears. You, Mark Lee, are my calm within the storm, my last refuge, my only solace on the darkest of days.

"Unlike you, I've always believed in soulmates. I remember I used to read all those silly Tumblr posts and dream about finding the person at the end of my red string or the person who would bring colour into my life. I've always been a dreamer and my expectations are pretty hard to beat but you… well, it's safe to say you've gone above and beyond. Never in a million years did I think I'd find someone who I love the way that I love you," he says, hot tears beginning to cloud his vision. He was meant to be crying happy tears as he spoke the words he had practised in front of the mirror countless times. He wrote these words for Mark, he was supposed to be the one to hear them, not his friends, not his family. 

"It's you because you make me feel so loved and so special. It's you because you make me believe that anything is possible as long as we try it together. It's you because of the way you grin when you first wake up, no matter how early it is, like that day is the best day of your life just because I'm there next to you. It's you because you always remind me to eat and tell me to go to bed and bring me some water to drink, even when you forget to do all of it yourself. It's you because of how your face lights up and how your laugh fills the room when I tell the stupidest jokes. It's you because you always know when I'm upset and even though you claim you never know what to say, you always say the right thing. It's you because you make me feel like the luckiest man in the world, every time I look at you and know that I get to call you mine.

"I want to spend the rest of my days waking up to your goofy smile and watching you dance in the kitchen as you flip pancakes, singing into a tube of kitchen roll. I want to get home and find you cuddled up in your favourite armchair, nose scrunched as you're reading about one of your confusing economics theories that you'll no doubt tell me all about later, eyes lighting up like candles. I want to hold your hand and kiss you goodnight; I want you to be the first and last thing I see every day.

"For all of these reasons, and many, many more, I want you to be more than just my boyfriend. Because when you love someone as much as I love you, marriage seems like the only thing left to do." 

This is where he meant to get down on one knee and bring out the ring he had spent ages picking and half a fortune on. He meant to be looking up at Mark's blushed cheeks and brilliant smile as he took in what was going to happen. He meant to use Mark's full name as he asked the question that would be the beginning of their forever. 

There are so many 'meant to be's and as Donghyuck looks out at the crowd of people in front of him instead of Mark's smiling face, he can't take it anymore. Mark was meant to be here to say yes, to start their life together, to have their happily ever after. He was meant to be at this church with Donghyuck, sharing the best day of their lives, not lying in a coffin while Donghyuck lives the worst of his alone. 

Instead of lowering to one knee, Donghyuck falls to the floor, burying his face in his hands. He can’t hold it together anymore, not when he just lost the love of his life. He can’t give the perfect poetic eulogy when all he feels is anger at this unjust cruel world that took Mark from him and kept on going like nothing had happened. He just wants to cry and scream and shout at the wind to stop blowing and the sun to stop shining and the leaves to stop falling. He just wants the world to grieve with him. Or maybe, he wants the world to end. After all, his already has. 

**☽...☾༒...☀︎︎...༒☽...☾**

Unlike Donghyuck, Jeno did, in fact, write a speech. It’s quite a good one too, given the circumstances, but after watching Donghyuck literally fall apart before their very eyes, consumed by immeasurable pain and grief, none of it feels right to say anymore. 

Death certainly isn't anything beautiful or poetic. This day shouldn't be as perfect and well-composed as the words on the paper in front of him. Jeno sighs and despite never having done anything without a plan, crumples the sheet in his hands. As he does it, he can't help but fondly recall the countless times his brother had told him to be more spontaneous, to let go a little more.

_ "Jesus Christ, Mark, you can't just do that," Jeno exclaimed in shock as he watched his terminally ill and most definitely bedridden brother pull his shoes on. "The doctor's told you to—" _

_ "Yes, they told me to stay in bed," a chuckling Mark finished for Jeno, who was now staring at him with wide eyes as he pulled on his coat. "They also told me I'd be dead by now so I guess they aren't always right." _

_ Jeno was about to protest but Mark was already walking towards the door and honestly, if there was one thing Jeno knew about his brother, it was that once he’s made up his mind about something, there's no changing it.  _

_ A reluctant sigh left his lips but as he watched Mark purposefully, yet stupidly, ninja walk his way down the corridor, he couldn’t help but smile.  _

_ His first smile in a long time. Honestly, Jeno had been struggling with coming to terms with his brother's impending death far more than he had been letting on, but he had to be strong for his parents and more importantly, Mark. _

_ Mark had told him how much it broke his heart when he first saw their mum crying after his diagnosis and the last thing Jeno wanted to do was hurt him, so he made it his point to never cry — or at least not when Mark was around.  _

_ Mark's hands pushing him against those annoyingly cheerful yellow hospital walls brought him back to reality but before he could protest — for what felt like the millionth time that day — there was a hand covering his mouth as two doctors rounded the corner.  _

_ "Jeez, Nono, you nearly ruined the mission," Mark laughed and the glare Jeno shot him that time was more teasing than anything else. _

_ By the time they finally made it to the hospital roof, Jeno felt undeniably better, like he dropped a little of the weight he'd been carrying with each step that he took climbing up those stairs. As the two of them sat on the edge of the rooftop, feet dangling and eyes on the horizon, it was easy to pretend that everything was back to normal, back to not having endless days spent at hospitals, to not having a dying brother.  _

_ He couldn’t help but reminisce about all the times they had done the exact same thing at their grandparents' house as kids, laughing and talking into the early hours of the day, sometimes even waking up lying on the roof, 'magically' covered in blankets because it's not like their grandparents knew they had snuck out, right?  _

_ The cheap, watered-down hot chocolate and vending machine biscuits were nothing like the big mugs of cocoa and homemade cookies they were used to but Jeno still felt more at home with every bite he took and every sip he drank. By the time he placed down his empty paper cup next to them and the sun ducked beneath the horizon, things felt almost okay. _

_ Mark's voice broke the comfortable silence between them and Jeno looked up with a smile. For someone who spent so many of his teenage years telling his brother to shut up, it was funny how much he now clung onto every word that left his mouth. It was a horrible thing really, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that any of those words could be his last, and Jeno needed to remember that. He couldn’t forget the last words his brother ever spoke to him.  _

_ "You should take Jisung up to the roof sometime," Mark said softly. "I know it used to be our thing but, well, it looks like I can't keep having our roof escapades for much longer and I really don't want you to miss out on these beautiful sunsets after I… go." That last part was paired with a chuckle but Jeno can tell there was anything but joy behind the sound. _

_ "Yeah, okay," he got out, his throat a little too tight and his eyes a little too watery for his liking. "Shit, I'm sorry Mark," he apologised hastily as a tear finally rolled down his cheek. "I'm not meant be crying, I know you hate it, I just—" _

_ He felt Mark's arms wrap around him — the arms that brought him comfort all too many times and that he already knew he'd never stop missing — and suddenly Jeno was sobbing. It was as if he was trying to make up for months upon months of not crying because goddammit, the tears just wouldn’t stop and his entire body was shaking uncontrollably.  _

_ Honestly, it felt like he had been crying forever and by the time he fully calms down, the oranges and pinks of the setting sun have turned into the diamond studded night sky. Still, in the twinkling of the stars, he couldn’t help but catch sight of the way Mark's eyes glistened with tears too. _

_ He was about to apologise but Mark reacted before he could even open his mouth. He didn’t know when it happened, whether it was a part of growing, a part of being so close to death or even just a Mark thing, but at some point, he had really become wise beyond his years. It seemed like he always knew just what to say, what it was that Jeno needed to hear. _

_ "Never apologise for your feelings," Mark said, his voice surprisingly firm and oddly commanding. "I want you to feel everything, okay? You have such a kind, tender heart and I know you want to protect it but having a soft heart… that's one of the real miracles in a world that so often feels so hopeless. _

_ "You deserve to be so crazy in love, to smile until your cheeks hurt, to laugh so hard that you cry. Goddammit, Jeno, you deserve to be so  _ so  _ happy, and I wish I could be here to watch you live your best life, to watch you fall more and more in love with Jisung, to sneak you out of boring events and drink hot cocoa on the roof or to get so drunk and make some of our worst decisions to this day," he stopped for a moment, ruffling Jeno's hair: another thing he had always hated but now wished would last forever. _

_ "But I can't," Mark said after a moment, a sad smile on his lips. "So I want to ask you to do it all for me. I want to ask you to live for the two of us now. To honour my so-called legacy by living life to the fullest. By doing things you want to, not always thinking about the consequences. By committing to that bucket list we made all those years ago, even though some of it scares the hell out of you." _

_ Jeno wiped the tears dwelling up in his eyes but he also can't help but laugh. God, that list. _

_ "I'd never ask you to let go of me Jeno," Mark added softly. "I'm just asking you to let go." _

Just his thoughts are enough to warrant dabbing his eyes with a tissue from one of the five packs his mum luckily reminded him to bring. Suddenly, he feels like if he even opens his mouth, he won't be able to keep it together, so he just stands there, fighting back tears and nerves of anxiety as he stares at rows upon rows of people, all of them expecting him to say something. 

"I'm going skydiving tomorrow," he blurts out eventually, only to find that now he's in exactly the same position, except the rows upon rows of faces suddenly look a hell of a lot more confused. 

"It's something me and Mark have wanted to do for quite literally forever," he adds after a short pause. "We had this list, you see, of all the things we wanted to do. Well, I say we but as we grew up, it mostly became Mark's list. He had always been the braver one, the one who could put aside his worries and live in the moment, and he just loved the thrill he got from doing all these crazy things and visiting all these amazing places."

Jeno takes a shaky breath and as he glances to the first row of people, he can't help it as he almost looks for Mark, his reassuring smile or a teasing thumbs up. Instead, he sees the boys Mark had called his brothers and as he looks at them, he sees Mark even if he isn't really there. 

Jeno sees Mark in the way that Renjun has an arm around Jisung and Chenle, a look of determination in his eyes like he has huge shoes to fill but he's ready to try, to protect all of them as the new oldest member of their friendship group. He sees him in the way Donghyuck is forcing an encouraging smile for Jeno's sake even though there are still tears streaming down his face. He sees him in the way Jaemin passes Donghyuck a tissue, holding onto his hand for just a second too long, trying to non-verbally tell him that he'll always be there for him.

Mark Lee may be dead, but he most certainly isn’t gone. 

"My brother was the bravest person I knew. He had been for as long as I can remember, checking under my bed for ghosts and sticking up for me at school, no matter how big or scary the bully was. As he grew up, that never changed. He was never afraid to go after what he wanted, be it the oh-so-cute bio-med he had maths with or sneaking out to that party no matter what our parents said. I guess it would make sense for me to conclude this by talking about how brave he was in his last months. And he was, but that's not what I want to talk about now.

"I want to talk about how fearless he was in his everyday life: how he always charmed his way out of difficult situations, how he always stuck up for what he believed in even if it was against people he called friends or family, how he sang in the shower and hummed whilst doing quite literally everything, how he wore whatever it was he wanted and much more importantly, how he always wore his heart on his sleeve.

"Mark loved more vividly and wildly and freely than anyone else I know. He called me every day when he was at college and told our parents he loved them at every chance he got. He comforted strangers, held his friends' hands and kissed them on their cheeks, no matter what anyone else thought. My brother had so much left to give to this world and while he's gone now, I can't help but feel that he gave enough to every single one of us here to continue his legacy."

His hands are shaking nearly as much as his voice by this point and he shoves them in his pocket as he tries to recollect himself a bit.

"So, that's why I'm going skydiving. Because Mark told me he wants me to let go and follow those wild, reckless dreams we had as kids. He wants me to complete the list for him. For both of us," he says softly, wiping a tear. "And I want you all to do the same. Not the skydiving part," Jeno chuckles lightly, "but the letting go and following your wild dreams part. I know that's exactly how Mark would want his legacy to be honoured."

**☽...☾༒...☀︎︎...༒☽...☾**

Renjun takes a deep breath as he walks up to the podium. The first thing he does is tilt the microphone away from his face; he doesn’t need everyone to hear how ragged his breathing is or how his voice will inevitably crack with every word. 

His fingers dig into the palm of his hands so much that he can feel his skin break and blood emerge. He needs that pain to remind himself what it feels like to  _ feel _ , to replace the mind numbing emptiness he’s been feeling since he’s heard of Mark’s death. He hasn’t even cried yet and whilst the others think it’s because he’s trying to stay strong for them, the reality is that he doesn’t seem to have any tears to cry. It’s ironic how he’s standing here at Mark’s funeral and yet he’s the one who feels dead. 

“This the first funeral I’ve ever been to, and in some weird way, it feels like it’s meant to be because Mark was my first of so many things. Usually a bit better than this though,” he chuckles dryly.

“He was my first relationship.”

_ Renjun wasn’t one to get crushes quickly. He didn’t believe in all clich _ _ é _ _ romanticisms like love at first sight. Sure, he found people attractive but that’s all it was, nothing more. Perhaps that was a little cynical for a sixteen-year-old but that’s just the way it was. _

_ Renjun didn’t fall for Mark because of how he looked, despite the fact that Mark’s so-called glow up was the topic of the year after the summer break. No, Renjun didn’t fall for his blindingly white smile, his jawline that could cut you or even his cotton candy hair that looked simultaneously like Mark had spent hours styling it and like he’d just rolled out of bed.  _

_ Huang Renjun fell for Mark’s eyes. He fell for the way they shined whenever he smiled and the way they lit up when he spoke about something he was passionate about. He fell for the way they were so full of curiosity when he asked him a question and the way it made Renjun feel like Mark was staring into his soul. Renjun fell for Mark’s smile. He fell for the way it was brought about by the simplest things and the way he always had one to spare for anyone who looked like they needed one. The way it seemed to light up an entire room when he walked in and most importantly, the way it made Renjun feel like everything in the world would somehow be okay.  _

_ Things didn’t happen like they did in the movies. There was no dramatic collision all the hallway, knocking their books out of their hands. There was no confession shouted during a pep rally or a dramatic kiss in the rain. Their relationship wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but it was also the most extraordinary thing Renjun had ever felt.  _

_ It was holding hands as they ran along the beach, kicking at the waves and squealing as the cold water hit their skin. It was falling over in the dunes, their laughter so loud that even the roaring of the waves couldn’t cover it. It was the kisses they shared then, salt on their lips and sand in their hair. _

_ It was the way everything mundane turned magical when they were together. The way they looked down from a ferris wheel and it felt like they were on top of the world. The way the tacky colours and lights in the arcade somehow became the most vibrantly beautiful place ever. The way the world seemed to turn a few shades brighter every time Mark’s sweet, cherry tasting lips touched his. _

_ It was how they laughed as they drove down that long winding country road, windows down and hair blowing in the breeze. It was how they could lie in their favourite orchard for hours, talking about everything and nothing as they let the world pass by. It was how perfect everything felt when they were together, like that moment could last for forever and they still wouldn’t have anywhere else they’d rather be.  _

_ It was cuddling in bed for hours, barely paying attention to the movie as they chucked popcorn at each other and spoke about things only they could understand. It was fighting over who was hogging the duvet but then pulling each other so close that it didn’t matter anyway. It was pretending to have just been casually talking when someone walked in on them, keeping their gaze on the floor because they knew that if they met each other’s eyes, they wouldn’t ever be able to stop laughing. _

_ It was all the little things. All the everyday magic. Even studying became fun when he did it with Mark on his floor, his nose scrunched up as he read a difficult question and purposefully trying to brush fingers with Renjun when they turned the page.  _

_ But above all else, it was the way Renjun felt himself change. He felt his smiles get brighter, his laugh louder, his life more exciting. He didn’t need to be on top of a ferris wheel to feel like the world was lying at their feet, or to be in a pretty place to know that the world held utmost beauty.  _

_ Mark was Renjun’s first love and whilst he wouldn’t be his last, he will always remember those few months of his life as beyond magical.  _

“He was also my first heartbreak,” he smiles faintly. “But he also taught me that a breakup doesn’t have to be the end. When you love someone, you don’t really stop loving them. You just learn to love them in a different way. And for us, that meant the start of an amazing friendship.”

_ Life wasn’t a fairytale and the good things couldn’t last forever. Mark and Renjun’s story together came to an end, at least in the romantic sense. It wasn’t a one sided decision; they both knew that it wasn’t working anymore. _

_ Mark was the first one to say something, always eager to be honest.  _

_ “I don’t think I can do this anymore,” he said, finally looking up from the strand of his ripped jeans that he had been fiddling with since they got back to Renjun’s room.  _

_ “What can’t you do?” Renjun asked quietly, though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer. He wasn’t sure why he feared the answer so much still. After all, Renjun knew just as well as Mark that their so-called spark wasn’t there anymore. _

_ “This. Us,” Mark muttered, his voice barely above a whisper.  _

_ Renjun didn’t say anything back, trying to collect his thoughts. What should he say? He knew that things between them had run their course but letting go of not only his first love, but his best friend… it seemed impossible. _

_ “Please, I know you feel it too,” Mark continued, meeting Renjun’s gaze. “We’re just not meant to be. What’s the point in pretending?” _

_ He was right. Fuck, how right he was. Renjun had always loved his ernesty. The way he didn’t like to waste time. The way he was wise beyond his years. So why didn’t he feel that way now. _

_ “Because I don’t want to lose you,” Renjun sighed, lowering his gaze so Mark wouldn’t see the tears that were burning at his eyes. _

_ “You won’t lose me Injunnie, we’ll stay—” _

_ “Don’t say that,” Renjun cut him off. “I know how this goes. We break up. You say ‘let’s stay friends’. I agree. You leave. We share the occasional text, wish each other happy birthday, smile as we walk past each other in the hallways. Then we go back to pretending the other person doesn’t exist. Perfect strangers.” _

_ Renjun cursed himself for the way his voice cracked and he had to bite his lips when he finished speaking so he wouldn’t cry. Maybe he was being over emotional but Mark wasn’t just his first love. Those months together built a friendship more real than Renjun could ever have imagined when they started seeing each other and he wasn’t ready to throw that all away. The idea of having to walk past Mark after a summer of shared secrets, kisses and memories, and pretending he didn’t even care about him… Renjun couldn’t do it. _

_ “No,” Mark spoke up and Renjun couldn’t tell whether he just made him upset or angry but there was such a ferocity in his eyes that it kind of scared him. Judging by the way he looked down afterwards, he could tell Mark didn’t intend to be quite so loud but he still looked upset. “How could you think that Renjun? Don’t you know I care about you? Romance aside, you’re my best friend.” _

_ Before Renjun could say anything, Mark continued to speak.  _

_ “I’m not saying let’s be friends because that’s what I’m supposed to say. I’m saying it because I mean it, Injunnie. I don’t ever want us to be just strangers.” _

_ Renjun wanted to believe Mark. He wanted to believe that everything they had wouldn't turn into nothing, but well, he was a little cynical and he doubted he'd get anything more than a few smiles around school.  _

_ If there was one thing Mark was always good at, though, it was exceeding Renjun's expectations. The two of them didn't just stay friends, they didn't even just stay best friends; they became friends for life. _

_ They never stopped going to the beach, running into the waves and splashing each other. Kisses were replaced with the two of them just sitting in the dunes, talking about everything they felt and thought until the sky became as dark as the stormy sea. _

_ They kept going to the fairs that came to town every so often, scaring each other in the house of horrors and riding so many rides they felt sick. Maybe it wasn't thanks to the taste of Mark's cherry lips anymore but Renjun never stopped seeing the world just that little bit brighter. _

_ The orchard was still their favourite place in the world and they laughed as hard as ever, climbing trees and jumping gates, sharing anything and everything. Now as best friends rather than lovers, but there was still no place they'd rather be than together.  _

Together. It hurts Renjun to know that concept doesn't really exist anymore. To know that they would never be able to go to the orchard again, that he'd never feel Mark's arms around him or even hear his voice again.

"I share so many of my first and best memories with Mark. Some of my worst ones too, but only because he is— he was the kind of friend who always sticks by you when things get rough. He's the kindest heart I know— that I knew—"

Renjun pauses. He always catches himself slipping into present tense when it comes to talking about Mark. It wasn't his intention to speak about now but isn't it a part of his grief too?

"When I talk about Mark, I slip so easily into the present tense," he says softly. "At first I thought it was because I was still in denial or because I was somehow forgetting, but now I know that's not the case. It's because the people we love, the people we've lost, are still so present for us. So when I say 'Mark is…", it's because Mark still is. It's not in the way that he was before or in the way that churchy people told me that he would be; it's just that he's indelible and so he will always be present for me.

"When he died, I was so scared of letting go of anything I had that tied me to Mark. I found a paper bag from the bakery in my pocket a few days after he passed, the one they gave me when I brought Mark one of his favourite croissants just days before he died. It's silly I know but I couldn't throw it out. I didn't want to lose anything more than I already had. I had so desperately wanted him to stay with me, to be a part of me.

"But of course he would be. When you watch someone you love fill himself with poison for the last half a year because just so that he could stay a little bit longer, that stays with you. When you watch someone fade from the healthy person they were when first you met them to nothing, that stays with you."

As he speaks, Renjun feels such immeasurable sadness he couldn't ever put it into words. The tears don't come either; he doesn't know how he could ever express his pain.

"I don't know why, but I haven't been able to cry since Mark died. It's like all my tears somehow miraculously dried out and now I just don't know what to do when I feel this sad."

A deep sigh leaves Renjun's lips as he glances towards the piano that stands at the side of the church, in front of the rows of seats. Maybe he can't find the right words and maybe he can't cry but there's still one thing he can do. One thing that Mark always loved.

"May I?" he asks, glancing towards the church pianist who's currently sitting on a stool in front of the instrument Renjun has played what feels like millions of times. The man gives him an understanding nod and soon Renjun is sitting in his place, his fingers delicately brushing over the ivory keys.

The seconds pass slower than ever as Renjun thinks what to play. Eventually, he breaks the silence with the opening chord of Mark's favourite song. He doesn't stick to one song though, his fingers flying over the keys like swallows darting over a pond for fish as he switches from one to the other, the melody as turbulent as the chaos in his mind. 

Renjun doesn't even know how he's still playing because each new note sends vibrations tingling through him until his hands are trembling and his breath is shaking. He just lets himself get lost in the music, eyes closed and mind shut down, letting his heart choose where his fingers go next. By the time he's done with his impromptu performance, his entire body is shaking. 

He closes the lid of the piano with a quiet thud, leaning over it for just a few seconds, trying to calm his breathing, to quell the shaking of his body. It seems as if the rest of the room is holding its breath, waiting to see what will happen.

Instead of his awaited breakdown, Renjun finds peace in the silence. He finds peace in the way the rhythm of his heartbeat and his shaky breathing create their own music, a melody of grief, a way in which he can speak without words.

Eventually, he straightens up, slowly walking back to the podium. 

"Mark used to love it when I played the piano for him. He'd always find all these duets and learn the easier part with the worst fingerings I have ever seen, then nag me to learn the other part. It was usually a mess but just watching the way it made Mark smile and the way his eyes twinkle as he jabbed at the keys… it'll always be one of my many favourite memories with him.

"I played a few of his favourites just now, a few that we tried to play together and a few that just reflect how I feel, but all of them remind me of him, and I think if he were here, he would've loved it."

Renjun feels a strange sense of comfort as he speaks those words and if he doesn’t know better, he can almost imagine Mark standing by his side. Without as much as a second thought, his hand reaches out as if to grab someone's hand and he smiles. 

"Thank you for being here," he says softly and that phrase is only half meant for the people sitting in front of him.

**☽...☾༒...☀︎︎...༒☽...☾**

Chenle is good with words. He can talk himself out of anything and everything, be it an after school detention or a speeding ticket. People do his bidding so easily that sometimes it surprises even him. He also always knows what to say when someone is upset, or hurting.

Except now Chenle is hurting, and he no longer seems to have the right words  _ —  _ not to describe his own pain, nor to ease that of his friends. 

He honestly contemplated not giving a speech at all, but he just  _ knew  _ he would regret it. Of course, he knows that this won't be his last opportunity to talk about Mark. He knows that with pained smiles and eyes that burn with tears, his friends will keep talking about him. He also knows that those pained smiles will one day be genuine again, and that tears will turn to laughter because they will learn to let go of the pain and hold onto the memories. 

That won't be for a long time yet, though. Now, every word that leaves their lips is a painful reminder of what they don't have anymore, and what they will never have again. With every word his friends speak, Chenle's tears fall and they can't seem to stop now either, even though the podium stands empty and it's his turn to speak. 

"You don't have to do it, baby," Renjun's gentle voice prods him as the boy squeezes his hand. "No one is expecting you to."

"I want to though," Chenle says after a moment, sniffling. "I think Mark would like for me to."

Chenle can tell that Renjun hesitates for a moment like he's debating telling him that Mark wouldn't want him to do anything he doesn't want to, but instead, he just nods. Renjun knows how important it is for Chenle to do this, to make part proud, to end this chapter on a high of sorts.

"Then go up there and make him proud." Renjun smiles and Chenle finds himself smiling back.

That's exactly what he's going to do.

"So I'm already crying, which probably isn't the best start," he chuckles, wiping the remnants of the tears from his cheeks. "But I'm here, because there's so much that I want to say.

"I want to talk about how good a person Mark was. How he made me smile and laugh and see the world as a beautiful place. He always said that having a soft heart in a cruel world was a strength, not a weakness — and if that's true, then he is easily the strongest person I ever knew.

"He was also one of the funniest, and one of the smartest, and well, on that note, maybe I should mention some of his many,  _ many  _ accomplishments. Whilst Mark was barely into his adult years, he had already achieved so much. He got through high school with straight As, he got a full-ride scholarship to the college of his dreams, he sacrificed and worked hard for his family, he made friendships for life and he found someone who would've happily gone on to marry him." 

God, even just saying that out loud hurt. Mark had achieved so much and he had so much yet to achieve. He had so much potential and so much happiness ahead of him. If only the world hadn't been so cruel as to rip that all away from him. 

"But perhaps, his real superpower wasn't in anything he achieved, but in his love and his courage and his courage to believe."

God, talking about Mark makes him feel so cheesy, but he really had been one of the best people Chenle had ever known — so how else is he supposed to describe him?

"There are so many things that made Mark Lee special. There was something magic in the way he brought people together, in the way he still brings people together, even from beyond the grave. There's something so surreal in the way he changed everyone around him for the better. In the way he forged me and these five boys sitting in front of me into brothers, and best friends. In the way he helped me to grow into the me that I am today, a me that I'm proud to be."

_ And someone I hope he can be proud of too,  _ he adds mentally.

"But the thing that I most admired about him really was how he always believed that things would be okay. No matter how dark the world was, he always saw the light. Until the very end."

Chenle thinks back to Mark's last day on this earth, the way he still smiled, no matter how much pain he was in. How strong he tried to be, for Chenle, for Donghyuck, for Jeno, for all of them, but also how much faith he had that somehow this was all part of some cosmic order, some meant-to-be. 

_ The day Mark died began like any other day. Then again, what else would you expect when people die every second of every single day?  _

_ Personally, Chenle would really quite have liked some more warning so that he didn't spend his morning, frantically typing away beside Mark's bed, only occasionally commenting about how stressed he was about all his classes and the workload and how little time he had for all of it.  _

_ Looking back, it's ironic how it was Mark comforting Chenle that morning rather than the other way around.  _

_ It was only when his essay was finally complete and he pressed the 'submit' button quite literally just seconds before the deadline, that he paused to think about how much he had been complaining and how little he had ever heard Mark complain. _

_ "How do you do it?" Chenle asked, moving from his chair to sit on the edge of Mark's bed, pulling his legs to his chest. "How do you stay so goddamn positive through it all?" His voice was laced with equal parts curiosity and admiration, like he was asking Mark to let him in on life's big secret. _

_ "I don't know," came Mark's simple answer instead of whatever sophisticated and complex ideology Chenle was expecting. "I just don't think there's all that much point being down about the things we can't change or prevent, you know? I mean, there's a certain deal of suffering you have to deal with because of what actually happens in life, but wouldn't I only be making that worse if I spent all my time being sad about it?" _

_ It seemed so easy when Mark said it like that, but it also seemed impossible. Chenle couldn't imagine ever smiling after having gone through half of what Mark had. _

_ "Aren't you scared?" he asked after a moment, hesitantly meeting Mark's eyes. It was Donghyuck’s strict orders not to talk about death or anything akin to it in Mark's presence but honestly, Chenle didn't think Mark appreciated the way everyone was walking on eggshells around him, like they were scared all it would take was one word for him to break.  _

_ "Of dying?" Mark asked, his gaze inquisitive. "No, I don't think I am. It's the thought of losing people that scares me, but I guess I won't really be the one having to deal with that, will I?" _

_ "Can I be honest with you?" Chenle asked. "I mean I'm not supposed to talk about this stuff but Mark, I _ — _ " _

_ "You're scared," Mark finished the sentence for him. "You can tell me that, Lele. It's okay." He sighed then, as if contemplating whether  _ he  _ could tell Chenle something. "Maybe I wasn't a hundred percent honest before, about not being scared. Because there's a lot I am scared of Chenle." _

_ "Do you want to talk about it?" Chenle asked, shuffling closer to Mark and resting his chin on top of his knees. _

_ "I think I'm most scared of being alone when it happens," Mark's voice rang out after a brief silence. "That I'll feel it and it'll hurt or it'll just be so terrifying and no one will be here with me."' _

_ "I'll be here," Chenle said, his words a promise. "Or if not me, then one of us. We can take turns, come and visit you more often. Make sure you're not alone, okay?" _

_ Mark nodded and Chenle could tell he was trying not to cry.  _

_ "You don't have to always be so strong. You know that, right?" Chenle smiled softly. "You can let down your walls." _

_ "I know," Mark nodded, pulling him into a hug. Chenle could tell he was weaker just by that embrace but there was something so soft and caring — something so  _ Mark  _ about it that he never wanted to let go. _

_ "You'll always have me, Markie," Chenle mumbled and when they pulled apart, Mark was smiling.  _

_ "You'll always have me too," he said, gently stroking Chenle's cheek. "Even after I'm gone. I'll be watching over you." _

_ "I know." Chenle nodded, looking down so Mark wouldn't see the tears that brimmed his eyes. "And I love you for it." _

_ Fuck, now he was really going to cry. He couldn't do that in front of Mark. _

_ "Erm, I really need to get something from my… car. For my next essay," Chenle mumbled hastily, already getting up. _

_ "Yeah, okay," Mark nodded, a sense of understanding in his voice. "And Lele?" he called after him just as he was about to walk out the door. "I love you too. Always." _

_ "Always," Chenle replied, but he didn't turn back around. He could barely manage keeping his voice steady and he really didn't trust himself to smile as the tears were already starting to roll down his cheeks. _

_ By the time he got to his car, Chenle was sobbing. Lucky this was a hospital, otherwise, he probably would've received a fair share of weird looks. He sat in the car park for a bit, head leaned against the dashboard as he cried. God, he had to pull himself together. He had to pull himself together. He had to be there for Mark. _

_ Something happened when Chenle was walking back through those hideous yellow hallways he had walked through hundreds of times by now. A chill. A pang in his heart. A shiver that travelled down his spine. It was a feeling he couldn't quite place or even describe, but immediately knew was important. Chenle just  _ knew  _ that something was wrong. Something was wrong with Mark.  _

_ He dropped the heavy chemistry book he had brought back with him for the pretence of his excuse, practically breaking into a sprint. He nearly bumped into like ten passers-by but ever polite Chenle didn't even stop to apologise. Judging by how no one even made a remark, he probably looked just as desperate as he felt.  _

_ As soon as he turned the corner towards Mark's rooms, his fears became reality. Nurses and doctors were rushing in with a sense of urgency that Chenle only saw when someone was dying. He disregarded the nurse who told him to leave, to let the doctors do their work, walking towards the door.  _

_ "Please, he would want me to be here. He  _ asked _ me to be here," he said to the doctor at the door, tears of desperation running down his cheeks. _

_ Everything that happened next was a blur. The doctors exchanging glances, an understanding nod, words of warning to stay out of the way, Mark's hand squeezing his, the beeping of Mark's heart, someone counting down and telling everyone to stand back. Chaos, words overlapping, nurses and doctors running, talking about trying again all blocked out by the shrill ringing of the heart monitor that replaced its previously incessant beeping. Mark's hand in his again, tears on his face, someone announcing his time of death. _

_ "I'm so sorry, kid," a doctor said gently, his hand on Chenle's shoulder feeling like he had just placed the weight of the world on them.  _

_ It didn't feel real. It couldn't be real. Mark couldn't be dead, not when they were just speaking like everything was normal just twenty minutes ago. Not when he was smiling like that, looking so weak, yet so... alive.  _

_ Did Chenle get back in time? Did Mark know he was there? Did he know he wasn't alone? _

_ As Chenle sunk to the floor, his head was swirling with questions and flooded with pain he had never felt before. He knew he had calls to make, and people to tell, but for now, he didn't think he'd ever be able to move again. _

"I was with Mark, the day he died. It was the single worst day of my life to be there and to watch him slip away. I've never felt so utterly powerless and weak as I did then. But despite this, I wouldn't switch being there and holding his hand in those last moments for anything. Not just because it means I spent that last day with him, but because now I know he wasn't alone."

Chenle looks up, trying to swallow his tears. It'll always be one of his biggest regrets that he left Mark's room that day to cry, that he couldn't hold himself together. Even though he was by Mark's side when he died, Chenle will never forgive himself for letting him think his worst fear would become a reality, even if it wasn't for long. God, those stupid tears. He can't allow himself to make that mistake again. He can't cry.

"You know, me and Mark had this thing I always did," he starts again, his voice shaking. "See, I have these absolutely freezing hands when I get cold, and I would just always shove them up his shirt completely out of the blue. And, erm, he'd hate it — but he loved me, so he put up with it.

"And so, when he died, I had some time alone with him before all the others got there. And I was crying so much and I wasn't even thinking, I just hugged him because I needed him there, more than ever. And I don't even remember if my hands were cold or not but I just put them under his back and I don't think I have ever felt so sad before, just knowing that that was the last time I would ever feel his warmth. The last time I'd ever have him there with me. And that will forever be one of the saddest moments of my entire life, and I—"

Chenle isn't supposed to be crying right now. He's meant to be strong and make Mark proud and honour his memory and give an amazing speech. Instead, he's just sobbing and shaking and it feels like the whole world is ending, and then he feels arms around him — Renjun's arms, he knows, but he can't help but imagine that they're Mark's and that just makes him cry even more and god, he can't take this anymore. He can't fucking take it anymore. 

**☽...☾༒...☀︎︎...༒☽...☾**

As Jisung walks up to the podium, he feels smaller than ever. His fingers play with the hem of Mark's sweater that peeks out from under his suit jacket and he wishes the soft fabric would follow him up whole so he could pretend that Mark was hugging him and everything was okay. For a moment, he does close his eyes, trying to wish everything away like had done a thousand times before. He imagines opening them to find himself standing in a park with all his friends beckoning him to sit down, Mark grinning and laughing in the centre of it all. When he opens his eyes, the only reality from his fantasy is Mark's coffin in the middle of the church and his grieving friends in the pews. 

How does he start? He glances down at his palms covered in ink that's now smudged from how much he had been wringing his hands since this morning. He sighs. Maybe he should've listened to Chenle and typed them up. But even with perfect notes, how do you correctly start a speech about a person you loved and respected more than anyone? The person who practically saved your life? 

The answer is you can't. There's no right or perfect way to do this, just as there is no perfection, no beauty in death. So instead of dwelling on how to open the speech he wishes he didn't even have to be making, he just opens his mouth and he lets his thoughts run wild. 

"If I said Mark was my best friend, I wouldn't be giving him anywhere near enough justice. Mark was my mentor, my role model, the person I looked up to more than anyone. He gave me a home and a family when I didn't have one, and he never let me down. Mark Lee was my brother, in everything but blood."

It takes time to form a bond like the one between brothers who are born and raised together, and countless memories jump to Jisung's mind but one stands out as the top of the list. It's the memory of a night that's one of the worst in his life and yet somehow still made good by the fact that Mark was in it. It's the night he lost one family but found Mark with arms wide open to welcome him into his own. It's also a night he knows he can't talk about now, not in front of all these people, not when he's  _ this  _ close to breaking already. Alas, it's also a memory he can't stop himself from replaying in his mind.

_ Jisung was used to feeling alone. He was used to feeling like no one understood him, like no one wanted him, or cared about him. Honestly, that's all he knew growing up.  _

_ He had a house, but never a home. Relatives, but not a real family. He thought that there wasn't anything left for the world to throw at him that he couldn't deal with it, and by the time he reached thirteen, he was about ready to give up. _

_ Then he met Mark. _

_ At first, Jisung pushed him away. He didn't see any reasons Mark would want to be his friend other than pity, and the last thing Jisung needed was the pity of the school's golden boy. Alas, Mark snuck up on him, with every extra sandwich he 'accidentally' brought to school, with every time he helped him cover up his bruises using his mum's concealer, with the trainers he bought that he 'forgot' to return that just happened to be Jisung's size. _

_ Mark grew on him for his gentle, understanding smiles and the way he never made Jisung explain anything. The way he hugged him as he cried, never asking questions and always offering Jisung a place to stay with him if he ever needed one. The way he told and showed him that he would always be there for him.  _

_ As time passed, Jisung learned to love in a way he didn't know was possible. He learned that he deserved that same kind of love back. By the time he reached sixteen, Jisung found his light at the end of the tunnel. He found a family, even if it wasn't one bound by blood. _

_ Maybe that's what gave him the confidence to leave on that dreary, fateful November night. He was just so fed up with everything, so tired of the fact that this was the first time he was seeing his mother in weeks and she wasn't even apologising, so weary of the fact that he knew it would only be a few more hours until his dad came home from the bar, drunk, and violent, as always.  _

_ It was the accumulation of all of his anger and hurt combined with some new sense of self worth he was beginning to accumulate that led him to finally stand up for himself, to demand to know where she had been and why she had abandoned him again. Of course, her response was nothing but shouting. Then she spoke the words that would change Jisung's life forever. _

_ "If you're so unhappy here, why don't you just leave? No one wants you here anyway." _

_ "Then I'll leave," he shouted back at her, his voice strangely devoid of all the emotion he was battling to keep inside. _

_ Jisung charged up the stairs, fuelled by anger, slamming his bedroom door behind him. His eyes stung with tears as he grabbed his backpack, starting to shove everything he could think of inside. He didn't even notice that he was crying until he was finally done, leaning against his bathroom sink. His own red eyed, tear stained face stared blankly back at him from the mirror as he tried to calm his breathing.  _

_ He did his best to push down any of the doubt, any of the sadness, holding on to all his rage, years of pent up anger, knowing he needed it if he was going to do this. Because he was going to do this. Really and truly this time.  _

_ He needed to get out of here. _

_ He wiped his tears and the stained remnants of his mascara as best as he could, wiping his sweaty palms on the fabric of his jeans. As he walked down the stairs, his heart was beating out of his chest, his eyes trained on the front door. He couldn't afford to look at his mum or the place where he grew up. He couldn't afford a moment of hesitation. He couldn't afford to change his mind.  _

_ As the door slammed closed behind him, Jisung couldn't help but feel like he just closed the door to much more than just a house. He closed the door to his parents, to the people he couldn't help but love no matter how horrible, to the place he called his home for sixteen years even when it was anything but. He closed the door to his past, finally choosing to end one chapter for the other.  _

_ It's not until he reached the end of the road that Jisung started to shiver, instantly regretting not stopping to grab a jacket. The wind felt like it was practically blowing through him as his anger dwindled down, the rage that made him feel like his entire body was on fire slowly replaced with mind numbing emptiness.  _

_ What was he supposed to do now? Where could he go? _

_ Call it an overactive imagination but as the realisation of his lack of possibilities dawned on Jisung, his mind was pretty quickly overtaken with a long list of worst case scenarios. He could freeze to death on the streets. He could starve to death. He could get mugged, killed even. Or kidnapped. _

_ Fuck. As he sunk to the ground, the tears were already streaming down his face. He just lost his family. He just lost his home. He just gave up everything.  _

_ Suddenly, he felt like he couldn't breathe. His head was a mess of thoughts, each one worse than the previous, until, amidst all the chaos in his mind, he found one thought to hold onto. A beacon of hope. Mark. _

_ "You'll always have a home with me. You know that, right?" he had told him the last time Jisung came to school hoodie pulled up to hide his bruise covered face, struggling to hold his tears as he rushed towards Mark in the hallway. Jisung didn't think that was an offer he'd ever actually take him up on, but he really hoped Mark meant it because he needed a home now more than ever. _

_ Even with somewhere to go, Jisung struggled to find the motivation to even stand up from the floor, let alone keep walking. The weather seemed to reflect his mood, dark eyes gathering above him. He knew he should get going to avoid getting soaked but honestly, his bones felt like lead as he tried to pull himself up from the floor. _

_ Finally, he rose to his feet, trying to keep his mind focused solely on putting one foot in front of the other, blocking out any unwanted thoughts. The rain caught up with him soon but as he felt the freezing water against his skin, all he could think was that at least now people wouldn't notice the endless flow of tears streaming down his face. _

_ With every puddle he avoided and every spray of water that hit him thanks to the oncoming traffic, he felt an urge to just lie down there and then and let the water swallow him up. He kept walking. _

_ By the time he got to Mark' house, he was soaked to the bone but in some weird way, he felt like the water was washing him clean. There was a small warmth in his chest even now that he was shaking from the cold, a fluttery feeling in his chest telling him that he was here now and everything would be okay. _

_ Jisung didn't think of how late it was until he had already knocked on the door but thankfully it looked like the family was still awake and it was Mark who came to the door, wearing his checkered pyjamas and grin. Though that grin faded pretty quickly as soon as he spotted the boy standing in front of his door and honestly, Jisung wasn't very surprised; he hadn't looked at his own appearance since he left home but his guess was that he looked like a wreck, and Mark's expression only confirmed that.  _

_ "Sungie? Are you okay? What happened?" Mark bombarded him with questions as he pulled him into the shelter of the house. "Jesus, you look like you've been through hell." _

_ When Jisung didn't say anything and just gave him what he always affectionately referred to as his 'confused puppy eyes', Mark gave up on the questions, reaching for his hand gently. "Let's get you upstairs and cleaned up. You can sleep over if you want. We don't have to talk right now." _

_ It only took those simple words for Jisung to break down sobbing as he fell into Mark's arms. Mark didn't say anything. He didn't make empty promises that everything would be okay or try to get him to calm down. He just pulled Jisung into a tight embrace, letting him cry his heart out in his hallway.  _

_ What happened next was a blur. To this very day, Jisung doesn't think he has ever been as much of an emotional mess as he was that night, but Mark was there every step of the way. He made Jisung a bath, gave him his cosiest oversized hoodie and wrapped him in thousands of blankets before simply sitting down in front of him and telling him that he was ready to listen as soon as Jisung was ready to talk. _

_ That was the second time Jisung burst into tears since being there but he couldn't find it in himself to feel ashamed. The ernesty in Mark's eyes, the understanding without even a hint of pity, it was so exactly what Jisung wanted — what he  _ needed _ — that he just couldn't keep it together.  _

_ Honestly, Jisung was surprised the sun wasn't rising by the time he finally choked out the full story, broken up by the sobs that wrecked his body and unnecessary rambling.  _

_ "I'm sorry," he sighed, his lips still quivering as he tried to hold in the sobs that seemingly didn't run out. "I'm sorry I came here and I'm sorry that I've been sitting here, crying and holding you up four hours, I just — I didn't know where else to go." _

_ "Hey," Mark said softly, his hand reaching up to wipe the hot tears on Jisung's cheeks. "You are always welcome here. And I'm glad that you chose to trust me on a night like this, with something like this." _

_ Jisung just sniffled and nodded, pulling Mark's hoodie closer around him. _

_ "And for what it's worth, I think you made the right choice. I know it's scary — hell, that's terrifying — but you're one of the bravest people I've ever met, and I  _ know  _ that you can do this."  _

_ Before Jisung could say something about how he really wasn't sure that was true and that he felt like his whole world was crumbling down, Mark spoke again. _

_ "And if ever you feel like you can't do it, you won't be alone. You will always have me, no matter what." Mark squeezed his hands, meeting his gaze with eyes so intent Jisung practically felt like he was staring into his soul. "I have to talk to my parents of course, but if it's okay with them, my home is yours too. You've always been like a brother to me and I would love to have you here." _

_ That was the third time Jisung started crying but this time, it was different. There was a sense of relief and a sense of belonging. A sense that everything would be okay.  _

_ As he lay in Mark's bed that night, the older boy's arms wrapped around in a comforting embrace, Jisung felt more at home than he had a really long time.  _

_ "Thank you," he muttered, for what felt like the millionth time that night and yet still wasn't anywhere near enough.  _

_ Jisung didn't know he deserved a friend — a brother — like Mark Lee but now he had him, and as the entire world seemed to crumble to pieces, that was enough.  _

Now, Jisung's world is falling to pieces again and Mark can't be here to hold his hand through it all. He can't be there to tell him everything is going to be okay, to hug him, to tuck him in under a multitude of blankets as if that would protect him from the world.

In this moment, Jisung doesn't think he's ever going to be okay again. How could he? He got so used to having Mark in his life, to having a big brother, having someone who was always there to care. Now… he was just supposed to learn to move on without him? How could he do that when all he had was all this anger and this grief and _ — _

Jisung has to stop himself before he bursts into tears right there and then. He knows he needs to go on with his speech but right now, the last thing he wants to do is speak about Mark. Because if he has to speak then he also has to think and if he starts thinking about everything that's happened — everything he lost — then he's going to start crying and god, if he starts crying, he's afraid he'll never be able to stop.

"It's funny how bittersweet memories become when you lose someone. The way you're stuck in this eternal paradox of wanting to let go, and wanting to hold on. Like one minute, you just wish you didn't have to remember anything at all, because without all the memories, maybe it wouldn't hurt so damn much. But the next minute, you're scrambling around in your head, trying to pull together every single minuscule detail and hating yourself for already forgetting some things."

Jisung sighs, taking a deep breath. 

"The way I don't remember the exact details of the day we met. The way the memory of his touch, his embrace, his warmth, is starting to fade. The way I don't remember the last time I told him I loved him — but I just know it was too long ago."

God, the number of times Jisung had heard how important it was to tell people you loved them. He tried, he really had. Despite the fact that he always struggled with voicing his feelings, he did his best to say those three words as often as he could. Mark needed to know how much he loved him. Alas, here he is now, not even able to remember when he last said 'I love you.'

"The way I can't quite recall what his voice sounds like. I just have this desire to drop everything I'm doing and grab my phone and put the last voice message he left me on a loop so that it'll be with me forever."

_ Jisung was standing outside the main foyer of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology when his phone rang. He glanced down at the screen to see that it was Mark and he was just about to answer the call when someone with a bright red lanyard and an even brighter smile approached him, asking if he's here for the robotics course. He quickly muted his phone as he slid it back in his back pocket, deciding to give him a ring back when he was done for the day. _

_ He was sure Mark would understand — after all, he was the one who so insisted that Jisung attended this course in the first place, telling him that he can't go turning down such amazing opportunities to sit by the foot of his bed. Jisung smiled fondly at the thought of how Mark always puts him first and now that he was here, he was glad he listened. He looked forward to telling Mark how it all was on FaceTime that night, rambling about all the cool and interesting things he learned and Mark chuckling about how cute it was the way his eyes lit up when he spoke about something he loved. _

_ By the time he got around to listening to the voicemail, his entire world had been turned upside down. He had received a call from Jaemin telling him that Mark passed away earlier that day. God, Jaemin was sobbing so hard that he could barely understand what he was saying, but Jisung didn't need words to know exactly what had happened. Soon, he was crying just as much Jaemin, sobs racking his entire body. _

_ Then he was alone. Stuck in a hotel room, surrounded by strangers and states apart from all his friends. God, Jisung had never felt so alone before. _

_ He hated that he was here, that he even came to this stupid course in the first place. He hated Mark for telling him to go but most of all, he hated himself for listening. He hated that he missed his last chance to see him, to hold his hand, to just  _ be _ with him.  _

_ He remembered how Mark had called him and how he didn't pick up. How he missed even that opportunity to talk to him one last time, to tell him how much he loved him.  _

_ How these were all moments he would never get back. He would never see him again. He'd never hold his hand again, never hear his voice. _

_ His voice. If Mark called him… He always left voicemails. He must've left one now. _

_ It took Jisung five tries to unlock his phone, the stupid facial recognition not picking up on his tear distorted face and his hands shaking far too much to type that stupid password. He nearly chucked it across the room in anger but god, if Mark left him a voice message, if he spoke to him one last time, Jisung  _ needed  _ to hear it.  _

_ One new voicemail, Jisung read the notification through blurry eyes. God, he needed to stop crying. He needed to quieten his sobs so he could hear Mark again.  _

_ "Hey Sungie! I hope I didn't awkwardly make your phone go off in the middle of your first lecture or anything." Mark's laugh rang out from the phone. "I just wanted to check in on you. I hope you don't feel bad for going, and you make the most of it. You really deserve this opportunity." _

_ Jisung had to hold back a sob at that — it's as if Mark had known that this would be exactly what he needed to hear. _

_ "Have fun out there, kiddo. Just be your usual brainiac self and I know you'll smash it. Oh, and make lots of friends! Anyways, that's it from me for now. Call me back when you get this, 'kay? I love you."  _

_ Call me back when you get this. Fuck, if only Jisung had done that. If only he hadn't gone and made new friends and spent his afternoon grabbing coffee and wandering around campus and babbling about robots.  _

_ Maybe he could've reached Mark in time. Maybe he could've really spoken to him rather than only having this voice mail.  _

_ Jisung started sobbing again then. He didn't even didn't have the strength to sit and he practically collapsed onto the bed as he pressed the 'replay message' button for the first of countless times that night.  _

_ He was so alone, in a foreign and unknown place, away from everyone and anyone he knew and loved, so he clung onto Mark's every word as the sobs racked his body.  _

_ He clung onto Mark — because Mark was home. _

He's still clinging onto Mark now as he speaks, onto every single part of him that Jisung still has with him. He's clinging onto the sleeves of Mark's sweater under his suit jacket, onto the memory of their last conversation, onto the sound of his laughter, the look of his face. He's clinging onto it all as if he was holding on for dear life, afraid of what will happen if he ever lets go.

"I wasn't there where Mark died. I was in Massachusetts, at a robotics short course I got into at MIT. I found out the news in the afternoon of my first day. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life before."

"Then I woke up the next day, and I went to my lecture. Not because I paid a shit ton of money for it  _ —  _ although I definitely did  _ —  _ but because I knew that's what Mark would've wanted me to do," he sighs. "He told me I can't let opportunities pass me by because of him. And that he was proud of me for going. And that he knew I would smash it."

God, going to that lecture was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. He struggled to pay attention and even one plus one became complicated arithmetics to his grief stricken mind, but he turned up and he stayed. Yes, he was counting down the seconds until the day's lectures ended and until Jeno arrived to pick him up, but he still did  _ —  _ he did it for Mark.

"A couple of days ago, I actually found out that I got into the engineering programme at MIT. And wow, that was a day I dreamed of for as long as I could remember. A dream I didn't think would ever come true  _ —  _ at least not until I met Mark, who pushed me to apply for short courses and scholarships and believed in me throughout it all," he explains, his voice shaking.

"And it was such a bittersweet moment, exactly because of that. Because I couldn't call him and tell him the good news, and listen to his deafening cheering before he told me how proud of me he was for the millionth time. I couldn't drive over to his house and jump in his arms and have him ruffle my hair as he told me he always knew it would pay off to have a brainiac brother." Jisung chuckles slightly then, half at the image in his mind and half at the realisation that he knew Mark so well that he could imagine his reaction perfectly without it ever happening.

"But now that I've got this opportunity, I just _ —  _ I want to dedicate it to Mark. I want to become the person that he always believed I could be, even when the rest of the world thought I was a failure. He always told me that when I couldn't believe in myself, he would be there to believe in me."

By this point, the tears are rolling down Jisung's cheeks and his voice is shaking so much he can barely speak but he pushes himself to keep going. 

"Now that he's gone, I guess it's my turn to believe in me. And I think that I can finally say that I do. All thanks to the fact that Mark Lee, the school's golden boy and everyone's favourite, saw something in the 'poor broken kid' that no one else could see. He saw potential and worth. He saw a friend, and he saw a brother. And I could stand here for an eternity but there is still and there never will be anything I can do to repay him for that."

He lets out a heart wrenching sob before wiping the tears on his cheeks before starting to speak again. This time, he didn't seem to be speaking to the rows of people in front of him. His eyes were trained to the sky as he uttered his last words, brimming with emotion.

"Thank you, Markie. I love you." 

**☽...☾༒...☀︎︎...༒☽...☾**

As soon as Jisung is off the podium, he's in Jaemin's arms and Jaemin doesn't want to let go. Not just because Jisung is crying and holding onto him like he never wants to let go but because the tears are now stinging at his eyes and the last thing he wants is to stand up in front of all these people when he barely feels strong enough to open his mouth, let alone speak eloquently. 

Alas, it's his turn to speak and Jeno knows that too so he gently peels the crying Jisung away from Jaemin while Renjun nudges him encouragingly towards the wooden stand with the microphone on it. 

He pulls out the notebook from his pocket where he planned his speech out and whilst it's just ideas and not a whole speech, he keeps his eyes on the paper rather than the people. 

"I remember a while ago, I read this quote about how we're all just car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a newfound love or a broken heart away from becoming an entirely different person. I was meant to come up here and talk about humanity and how beautiful our fragility is, the way a single moment can alter who we are forever. I guess I was going to try and be all poetic but in this moment, it doesn't feel right to say anything artificial or prewritten," he starts off softly. 

"Everything is still so raw and I know many of us are feeling this inexplicable pain for the first time in our lives and it's so scary and it—" he has to take a deep breath because his voice is already shaking a little too much for his liking, even though he only just started speaking. "It just doesn't feel right to say anything else other than what comes straight from the heart.

"Moments that change us forever. I could definitely talk about the phone call from the hospital, telling Mark the news about his cancer. I mean that definitely changed his life but it also changed mine. It was the day I found out that I was losing my best friend, my brother, the person who understood me the most, and I couldn't even be sad about it. Because in that moment, Mark didn't need a friend to cry with him; he needed a shoulder to cry on." 

_ It's funny how sometimes the most important, life altering days almost pass us by like the most ordinary ones. As Jaemin sat across from Mark in the café they practically resided at after lectures, passing notes, stealing each other's biscuits and laughing way too much for two suffering college students, he never in a million years would’ve guessed that this was one of those days.  _

_ After fits of giggles over some stupid and definitely very inappropriate jokes, the two were finally actually concentrating on their work when Mark's phone rung.  _

_ "I thought we agreed on a no phones, no distractions zone," Jaemin said, jokingly grabbing Mark's phone before the boy could do so for himself.  _

_ "I'm expecting an important call," Mark replied, snatching after his phone. It wasn’t until Jaemin was already waving the device in the air that he noticed the desperation with which Mark was reaching after the phone, his eyes begging as if his life depended on it. _

_ Jaemin swallowed down the remark he was about to make about how Donghyuck informing him that dinner was ready didn’t count as an important call and instead handed the phone back to Mark, who snatched it back like a dying man grabbing for water.  _

_ "Hi, yes, this is Mark Lee," the boy said into his phone before wandering off towards the toilet for what Jaemin assumes to be some more privacy. He wasn't generally the most curious person but with how nervous Mark seemed and sounded, suddenly he really regretted not taking the time to glance at the caller ID.  _

_ His best friend was away just five minutes but in those 300 seconds, Jaemin's mind raced through approximately 300 different very worrying possibilities. He tried to tell himself he was probably just overthinking it but truthfully, he hadn't seen Mark this on edge since… well, ever now that he thought about it.  _

_ His expression when he returned to the table definitely told Jaemin that something really wasn’t right and this was only confirmed by how quickly and messily he shoved all his stuff in his bag, muttering something about how everything was okay but he had to go.  _

_ It all happened so quickly and at first Jaemin just watched as the door of the cafe swung shut behind his best friend, who rushed out of the café hastily. It was only when he took a swift right to the alleyway that they usually walk down together that his feelings got the best of him and he just knew that no matter what Mark said about being okay, he just couldn’t leave him alone right now.  _

_ He shoved some money on the counter - probably enough to cover their weekly bill but honestly, he just didn’t care right at the moment - before rushing out after Mark, no coat, no bag, no anything.  _

_ "Mark, wait up," he called after him and as the other boy turned around, tears streaming down his face, he could barely feel the cold air of the Toronto winter or the rain that's pelting down against his skin. The only thing in his mind was that Mark wasn’t okay and that he needed him by his side.  _

_ Jaemin wasn’t sure who ran to who and everything was a daze but then Mark was in his arms and his entire body was shaking with sobs and his mascara stained tears were soaking his already wet shirt and god, Jaemin didn’t know what to do, so he just hugged Mark as tight as he could for as long as he needed. _

_ Jaemin didn’t have a watch but by the time Mark began to calm down, both of them were completely soaked and absolutely freezing and the sun was down and all he could think to say was that they should probably go inside. _

_ Mark didn’t say anything on the short walk back to the café, not even when Jaemin led them to one of the back tables or even when the caramel lattes he ordered for them were sitting on the table in front of them. _

_ "Mark, I don't mean to rush you here," Jaemin said softly, reaching across the table to take his hand, "but whatever it is that's wrong, maybe I can help. Even if it's just by helping you carry the burden." _

_ Jaemin watched carefully as Mark wrung his hands, seemingly not interested in anything other than the untouched cup of coffee sitting before him.  _

_ "I'm going to die," Mark said after a silence that felt like forever but one that Jaemin didn’t feel right to fill with any more words. "I have cancer and I'm going to die." _

_ Jaemin knew to be expecting something bad but in all the million horrible possibilities that ran through his head, from Mark's brother getting hurt through his parents dying to Donghyuck wanting to end their relationship, he couldn't imagine that the news was this bad.  _

_ "No, you're not," was the first thing that he said, almost instinctively. "There are cures. There's chemo, there's radiotherapy, there's pills you can take and medical trials and so many different—" _

_ "No," Mark cut him off. "The doctors said we didn't catch it in time. That the only thing they can do is give me as comfortable an end as possible but that's it. Five months is all I have left."  _

_ Five months. Less than half a year. Not even long enough for Mark to make it to twenty-one, to graduate college, to build the future he wanted with Donghyuck. Five months. It felt like forever when waiting for summer break but all of a sudden, it felt like nothing. Jaemin, who had spent most of his life praying for time to go faster, knew all too well that five months would come as quickly as tomorrow and for once in his life, he wished more than anything that he could stop the course of time.  _

_ If Jaemin struggled for words before, now he was completely stumped. Jaemin, who Mark usually couldn't beg enough to shut up, didn't have anything to say. Or, more accurately, he had everything to say, he just knew none of it would make a difference. _

_ As he looked into Mark's eyes that now shone with tears rather than their usual spark, Jaemin knew that no words would suffice.  _

_ "I'm so sorry, Mark," he said softly, brushing his thumb across Mark's cheek, wiping away the tears that now rolled down it. _

_ "Whatever happens, I'm by your side. Until the end of the line." _

Until the end of the line. It's a catchphrase the two boys have told each back and forth for as long as Jaemin can remember. 

They say it when Mark gets his heart broken for the first time.

_ "I love him, Jaemin," Mark's voice cut through the sound of his quiet sobs. "I love him so fucking much and he doesn't love me back." _

_ Jaemin pulled back from the embrace he pulled Mark into what felt like hours ago, meeting his bloodshot eyes and hopeless gaze.  _

_ "I know, Markie," he said softly. "And I know that now it feels like he's the love of your life, but trust me, he's not. You're going to fall in love again, just as vividly, and maybe you're going to get your heart broken again, just as painfully, but things don't end here." _

_ "But I don't want anyone else," Mark sobbed, his voice even more desperate than before. "I love Yukhei, Jaemin. I just want him to love me back again. Why doesn't he? Why am I not good enough for him?" _

_ "Mark, hey, look at me," Jaemin said, his soft voice taking on a stern edge as he lifted Mark's chin so he met his eyes. "Yukhei didn't break up with you because you weren't good enough or because you did something wrong. Sometimes people just fall out of love because they aren't meant to be. But that doesn't change that you are good enough. You will always be good enough." _

_ "Then why does everyone keep leaving me?" Mark asked, his voice so quiet that Jaemin wasn’t even sure the question was for him to hear. He knew that this was now about much more than just Yukhei leaving. He knew this went all the way back to the fact that Mark's mum left when he was a kid and his fear of it somehow having been his fault. Jaemin knew, even if Mark had never said it out loud, that he was terrified that everyone he loved was going to leave him behind. Jaemin just needed him to know, now more than ever, that he was going to stick around forever. _

_ "I'm never leaving you," he said softly, interlacing his fingers with Mark's. "You're my best friend and I love you. So I'm always going to be here, okay? Until the end of the line." _

They say it when Mark stands up for Jaemin, in the most unexpected way.

_ Mark Lee was the good kid in high school. He turned in all his work on time and put his hand up in class all the time. He took like fifty AP classes and somehow still seemed five times more put together than the average student.  _

_ He never missed a deadline, he never failed a test and most importantly, he never got in trouble. _

_ That was why Jaemin was so shocked when he watched Mark's fist connect with the cheek of none other than Yuta Nakamoto, the school's most popular jock and the boy who made Jaemin's life at school a living hell.  _

_ Probably the only person more shocked than Jaemin was Yuta himself whose head snapped to the side, probably more thanks to the sheer shock that came with the blow rather than the power behind it. Unfortunately, but rather predictably, it didn’t take long for him to recover and return the hit.  _

_ "Why the hell would you do that?" he asked Mark as they sat in the locker room not even ten minutes later, Jaemin wiping the blood that trickled down Mark's face. "He's so much bigger than you and now you're hurt; I mean my feelings don't matter this much, it's—" _

_ "They matter this much to me," Mark interrupted, putting his own hand over Jaemin's hand on his cheek. "I told you I was with you until the end of the line, Na. I meant it." _

They say it when Mark has a big swim meet and he tells Jaemin that he feels like he's going to drown without even stepping near the water.

_ Mark's head was buried in his hands, his earphones dangling towards the floor, his usual motivational soundtrack playing to no one but the bathroom tiles.  _

_ It wasn’t like Mark to be this nervous before a swim meet, not when he thrived as soon as his body hits the water and he lived off the roaring cheers of the crowd. Jaemin crossed the locker room floor in two long strides, leaning by his best friend in a matter of seconds. _

_ "Hey, what's wrong?" he questioned softly and Mark looked up from his hands, revealing bloodshot eyes and dark circles. "Jesus Mark, did you sleep?" Jaemin asked, his worry evident in his gaze. A quick shake of Mark's head confirmed his suspicion. "So can you tell me what's wrong?" he pushed gently. _

_ "I should've told you this before," Mark muttered, looking down like he was ashamed. "Fuck, I should've told you this years ago, when we first started talking of going to college out of state together." _

_ Jaemin furrowed his eyebrows, unsure what he was getting at and what this had to do with swimming.  _

_ "I can't afford it, Jaem," Mark sighed. "Even staying in state is so difficult. My dad's been trying, he really has, but Jeno and I are only a year apart and it's just so expensive."  _

_ "I— I applied for a scholarship. For swimming. There's a scout here to see me and fuck, I'm so nervous I couldn't sleep and now I'm so tired I won't be able to swim my best and that makes me even more nervous, fuck, Jaemin, I really need this," Mark rambled, running his hand worriedly through his hair. _

_ "Hey. You've got this," Jaemin reassured him. "I know you're tired and stressed and that this is a lot. But I also know you're the best swimmer I've ever seen. And I know you've got this."  _

_ "I don't know if I do," Mark sighed again. "And my dad couldn't make it here because of work either and I always look for him before I swim and I just… I really needed him today." _

_ "I know it's not the same, but you can look for me, Markie," Jaemin gave him a small smile, resting a hand on his knee. "I'm here. I'll always be here." _

_ "Until the end of the line," Mark repeated their usual catchphrase, attempting a small smile. _

_ "Yeah. Until the end of the line." _

They say it so much and so often that the words become meaningless. Not in the sense that they lose their worth, but in the sense that the individual words blend into one comfortable sound that's somehow more than every 'I love you' and every 'I'm here for you' combined. The catchphrase is a promise, their own version of best friend scrapbooks and friendship bracelets. Seven short words to mean that they have a bond nothing can ever break.

Nothing except death. Jaemin doesn't ever think about the fact that their so-called 'end of the line' would one day become reality, not even when Mark is lying on that hospital bed, asleep but holding his hand during his last days. He doesn't even acknowledge it after Mark dies or in the days leading up to the funeral, or at all really until now as he reminisces on these moments.

Maybe it's because he's in denial or maybe it's because their bond really is something even death can't break. Maybe this doesn't have to be the end of the line. Maybe nothing ever does. Jaemin can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, wherever Mark is right now, he's watching over him as he has been their whole life. 

Jaemin will do the same. He'll be there for Mark by being there for Jeno, being the big brother to him that Mark could no longer be. He'll be there to comfort Donghyuck, to hug him close as they share their favourite memories of Mark, and he'll be there to cheer him on when he inevitably falls in love again. He'll tell him everything he can already imagine Mark saying, from how he deserves to be happy, to how Mark was just a chapter in his life and whilst it's okay to reread it from time to time, he also needs to continue his story. 

Fuck, he's really gotten distracted now. Where was he again? The moments that change your life forever. The day Mark found out about his cancer.

"That day changed my life in ways that I couldn't even fathom, in ways that I'm still struggling to come to terms with still. But I don't want to talk about that now. Instead I want to talk about the day that I met Mark.

"August 26th. First day of elementary school. I was five so I don't remember it all that clearly but I do know that I was nervous as can be, all shaky and white knuckled holding onto my backpack for dear life," Jaemin chuckles. "But what I remember as clearly as if it happened yesterday was the way Mark smiled at me, grabbed my hand and told me we could go in together."

Jaemin smiles to himself at the memory. It's just a simple memory of a simple day but it speaks volumes about who Mark was as a person, and Jaemin can't help but feel immensely lucky to have known him.

"That day, Mark walked me into school but when he pulled me through those double doors, he also pulled me along on an adventure that made these last fifteen years of my life beyond amazing," he says, fondness evident in his voice. "I think everyone who knew Mark knows that he was a parade in a person. The way he walked into a room like a celebration, all sound and sight and spirit. He brought brightness with him, wherever he went."

Jaemin takes a deep breath. Talking about how amazing a person Mark was and remembering how happy his friendship made him hurts like hell. Letting himself remember all the best things makes the knowledge that all of that is over a billion times worse.

"I would've been happy cheering from the sidelines as the parade went by, I think that was Mark's superpower: he always brought you with him. He lit up my life in every way imaginable and he held my hand through everything, from the day that we first met," Jaemin wipes a tear before it can roll down his cheek, "To the day that he died."

"And I know he isn't here anymore but I like to think that he's still watching over us so I guess I just want to say thank you Mark. I love you."

He can't hold the tears in anymore as he tries to get out his last words, words he didn't think he'd ever be saying to anyone but Mark.

"Until the end of the line." 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> aH you read the whole thing wow  
> Honestly judging by how sad it made me and lil and everyone who I sent extract to... here's an apology!  
> If you liked it, I would really appreciate some kudos and comments, especially now that non logged in users' hit aren't shown :(  
> I love you all very much!
> 
> OH AND PLEASE let me know your favourite perspective, I'm curious!  
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/dcrksun)  
> [my curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dcrksun)  
> 


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